2025 Reflections

This year had a lot of good, started a bit bad, but overall good.

A bit bad start

There was one traumatic event that happened and I’ve decided to omit from this post because I still don’t think I’m fully ready to discuss it in a more “permenant” form like a blog post. But it was a breaking point in myself and that’s how I started off the year hahaha. Really after that, the rest of the year smoothed right along.

First ever international trips together

I got to do a lot of good traveling for once. I got to go to Ireland, Cancun and my hometown in Germany, Wetzlar. Doing all of these trips with my fiance too! The two spots in Europe being his first ever trips to Europe. Honestly incredible memories that we got to create together and as always he’s the center of this great year.

In Ireland, we got to drive on the opposite side of the road, do literal cross country driving and got to see culture we both never experienced before. We’ve traveled together before but never internationally to a place neither of us hadn’t been to before. It was a bit scary because you hope that everything works out. It was really our test to see if he could enjoy the potential of coming with me to Germany later into the year since I needed to renew my passport. He loved every moment, all the food and sights. We both love nature and culture of new places, so we made sure to really try to talk to locals and understand what did they like and recommend. It was the first time in a very long time that I was in Europe the last time I had went was in 2018. And since then the world had entered the COVID-19 pandemic. Being able to feel my European side being nourished reminded me how much of my identity I had lost from being unable to see my hometown. It made it real to me that we needed to go back and I was ready to show that side to someone else.

In our Germany trip, we actually took a trip with my parents which was another first for him. He has met my parents before but he has never vacationed with them. And honestly I have not vacationed with them more than a handful of times so it was all new experiences for us together. Beyond a bit of turbulence in the air, that trip went well too. I was incredibly anxious that something would go horribly wrong but it was swell the entire time through. Even with the two of us having to share a little twin bed to sleep together. I got to learn a bit more about my hometown in Germany now that I can appreciate it as an adult compared to when I went as a kid. I got to see new castles and more of the cities around us. It made me feel complete. I always feel my German identity but it is another thing to be able to just be German in Germany.

Moving into a new space

Besides that, the two of us decided to move from our first shared apartment to another space together. This first space was something we did in the middle of the pandemic so it wasn’t quite the same as we probably would have experienced otherwise. But we spent a lot of time working right next to each other every single day and cultivated a lot of memories together in that space. It was a bit heartbreaking for us to leave but we also recognized it was time for us to find somewhere else to occupy. So since July we’ve been living in a new area to the both of us and that has been going well. We have almost fully gotten out of our last boxes (only 6 months later). And really begun decorating it with furniture we both enjoy and like.

Unlike our first space which was doing things for the first time together we feel much more confident and comfortable with each other that we can make this space feel like our own. That was something we didn’t really do with our last place. We didn’t really try to make it feel like a permenant spot just something we were “temporaily” in for the last 3 years.

Cultivating friendships

Even before the pandemic, I developed a bit of a fear of burdening people and a bit fearful of being in shared spaces (this because of the pandemic). I’ve tried to overcome that a bit firstly by making regular virtual sessions with (current and past) co-workers of playing Baldur’s Gate 3. We would meet every Sunday and catch up and go through our campaign together. And that evolved to me simultaneously starting a campaign with my other close group of virtual friends. Now we got 2 campaigns to run through? I’m EATING!!!

These small ways really helped me reclaim my feeling of closeness I had lost. It isn’t that the pandemic let me not feel that connection but really it was work had taken all my mental space that I didn’t realize I was missing that need of connection. I was running completely on empty in my personal fuel tank. Eventually one group fizzled (which we will pick back up I’m certain), and the other I managed to complete 2 campaigns with running a normal AND tactician instance later on! I’m still not fully recovered from how empty I was/am from work but I can confidently say that these friendships helped me do the important step of seeing it.

I moved to the city with only a few years being around and so… I hadn’t practiced… making friends in a new city. I have friends from all the places I’ve lived before and virtually so it was just something I filled in other ways! I made it a bit of a goal for myself to make new friendships and try to meet people who I had only ever seen online. One virtual friendship led me to meeting them, their partners, and friends and we got to all play Magic the Gathering together which was sooo perfect for me. Another part of my identity that I had lost! BEING A HUGE FUCKING NERD AND BEING AROUND OTHER HUGE FUCKING NERDS. I chased this high and got to meet more virtual friends and them meeting me for the first time and us playing Pokemon Go together. AGAIN HUGEEEEEEEE NERD. But genuinely it felt like I was recovering in myself. In ways I just didn’t know I desparately needed.

And throughout the summer and fall, I made friends through my fiance where we did trivia and board game nights, even traveled upstate and did a little lake cabin stay. Where it just felt like… wow, this is what it is like. They definitely won’t read this blog but they are the epitome of what love feels like from a friend. Like genuine acceptance.

Work !== Self

In the last few weeks of 2025 I’ve really come to reflect on my year. And the most important act of self care I can do and need to do is STOP POURING INTO WORK SO HARD. So hard that I forget that I’m working so I can live these moments fully. Work will take and take and take everything I can give but I need to be willing to stand up. If things aren’t going properly, I need to advocate for change. I need to be willing to shut the laptop and focus on myself.

It doesn’t mean I can’t program but I need to remember that everything should pour into me first and foremost. Let’s see if I’ll listen.