Feedback is a gift

I am a strong believer of feedback being something good for everyone. However, there are many people who do not know how to deliver feedback in effective ways. There are also people who want to give negative feedback in a “direct” way that really is code for my way is the only way that is valuable. And I don’t agree with that at all. In the larger scheme, much larger than 1 blog post can support, lots of the reasons people are bad at delivering feedback is there is a lack of systems, guidance, and maintenance. But let’s talk about it from the givers end and how to really check in.

When we think of feedback we’re giving, even in the tiniest, we have to remember our words have meaning that changes as they leave our brains, our mouths and how they get received and end up being understood by someone else. If we do something, even if we didn’t intend for it to sound a certain way, we need to be willing to live with the consequence of the reaction. Some folks react through a immediate way, some folks get stuck in processing, some folks are afraid to say anything. All of it falls back to trust. How much someone feels safe. How much have you’ve shown a track record of being able to listen and show you’re listening.

It is incredibly hard but the only way to get better at giving feedback is at the lower stakes. To work with someone to understand their comfort and building that trust. If you do not see feedback as a trust building exercise, you might struggle when it gets to the harder parts. There are specific models to giving feedback that help that also improve how you can deliver it. If you’re doing it in this model, it is easier for the message to be received and the intended effects.

Through and through it comes with practice. You only get better at uncomfortable bits through practice and a lot of people are afraid to do it several times because they’ve seen lack of evidence that things can change. But to me, the closer you care for someone, the more they are willing to hear you out.